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Now that that’s off your chest, follow this formula guaranteed to make her swoon at every stage of your relationship on this completely imaginary yet crucial annual event. Try to make a good impression: E-cards are not actually cards. (She has those dick pics, genius.) Step up everything from the first two stages—flowers ( approaches infinity, Valentine’s Day is a Where’s Waldo? Do not buy household gifts: Trash compactor ≠ romance. She isn’t going to leave you, just make your life miserable till you get it right. This is such a layup: You’ve spent years banking a roster of excellent ideas from which you have to pick only one: candy-heart haiku. And if in doubt, jewelry is the HOV lane to a woman’s heart. Valentine’s Day is a function of time, or, f(♥x) = dirty weekend. Buy no flowers from a hospital gift shop after your grandpa’s hernia operation. You’ve a) used the word girlfriend out loud, b) found her stray underwear in your gym bag, and c) taken yourself off Tinder. To the baseline of flowers candy, add the Nice Dinner. Somewhere quiet—if a DJ is spinning beats to dry-hump to, save it for next weekend. You know that signature dish your last girlfriend liked? Think ambiance, candles, wine—and, hey, how about that, she’s already at your place when the bottle’s empty! You’ve met her folks, deleted pics of your ex, and she has several nude selfies of you with your face in them. Do not ask her what she wants—she wants everything she did before, only better, more, and harder. You can get a 28-pack for just .49 (on sale right now!) and, if you’re feeling particularly romantic, you can even write a little extra note on the package.

time to get your special (or not-so-special) someone something.Elite Daily’s Valentine’s Day survey found that people want to celebrate this holiday with their SO anywhere from on the first date (11 percent of women, 18 percent of men) to after dating for two or more years (82 percent of women, 67 percent of men). The obvious challenge here comes in deciding in the world to even get them. Whether it’s your totally casual hookup buddy or your spouse of many, many years, allow me to HOOK YOU UP with some solid gift ideas. For just on Amazon, you can get 36 different lubricated condoms, each with their own fun, unique sensations.You guys have been hooking up for long enough that it’s not TOTALLY weird for you to be hanging out on Valentine’s Day, but you’re also trying to keep things They say “I love having sex with you, but I still don’t want to procreate with you and also am not totally certain your penis (or vagina) is clean.”THAT is the message we’re trying to send here, people! Get some fun, cool condoms to spice up your sex life. Trojan Pleasure Pack, , Amazon You guys can spend all night trying out the different condoms and choosing your favorites.And when you’re not quite coupled up but not quite single, when you’re dating, or you’ve just met someone new, the looming presence of Valentine’s Day is absolute torture. Is it appropriate to buy stuff with hearts on if you haven’t said ‘I love you’ yet? What if they’re expecting a gift from you and you’ve done nothing? The answer to stress, we reckon, is an agreed upon set of rules. Dating expert Charly Lester told uk that her rule of thumb is that if you weren’t together at Christmas – or didn’t do presents at Christmas time – then you shouldn’t expect to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Firstly, because if you’ve dated from Christmas to Valentine’s Day, you’ve been at dating for at least a month and a half.Rules you can refer back to in case you and the person you’re kind of, sort of seeing have a mismatch in Valentine’s Day expectations and actions. Any less time than that, and you’re probably rushing into V Day romance too quickly.Her chocolates can’t be purchased at the same store as your condoms.

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